True British Character

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  1. You and your significant other are strolling through the North American woods when you are faced with a less-than-happy grizzly bear. Do you:
    1. Take a minute to try to remember that thing you saw on that Attenborough documentary that time. Curl up into a ball or run like hell? Or was that sharks?
    2. Give your significant other a hefty shove in the back and leave them for an easy ready-to-eat bear snack while you leg it. You never liked them that much.
    3. Give the bear a resounding biff on the nose and watch it turn tail, using just enough force to let it know that you mean business while still respecting its rights as a noble animal of the woodland.
  2. You find a £50 note lying in the street. Do you:
    1. Take it to the nearest police station – having first scoured the area for a weeping single mother or an ashen-faced pensioner holding an empty purse or wallet and staring at the sky crying ‘Whyyyyyyyyyyy!!’
    2. Pick up the note and clutch it to your bosom with your eyes closed as you mouth ‘thank you’ – open eyes then snarl repeatedly at passers-by while walking to car.
    3. Stand astride note and point at passers-by advising them to ‘back off’ if they don’t ‘want some’ and tell everyone the £50 is yours and it fell out of your pocket and it came in a birthday card from your Auntie in Swansea.
  3. You discover you are almost supernaturally good at running and become an Olympic 100m finalist. Do you:
    1. Win the race comfortably, but continue running past the tape all the way home because there’s a fence to be creosoted and you don’t want a big fuss.
    2. Win the race comfortably but devote the medal ceremony to pointing and laughing hysterically at the silver and bronze athletes.
    3. Win the race comfortably and arrange to be seated in an armchair smoking a pipe and reading the Racing Post when the others cross the line.
  4. To raise money for a local charity, you’re challenged to compose a short musical piece. Do you:
    1. Come up with something intriguing, attractive and utterly original which encourages Simon Cowell to withdraw from the music industry as he faces his own short-comings.
    2. Cost the legal aid system millions by taking your case all the way to the high court on the grounds that your tune is nothing like the one the ice cream vans play.
    3. Fail to convince the listening public that your song ‘It’s Been A Hard Night’s Day’ isn’t something they’re very familiar with.
  5. People spend an evening in your company. Do they:
    1. Go home having laughed a lot and enjoyed the things you said. And no, one of them wasn’t ‘I’ll get the bill’.
    2. Go home and change their phone numbers. And the locks. You can’t be too careful.
    3. Go home and Google ‘emigrate to Australia’, rocking gently back and forth and crying softly.
  6. You’re asked to provide a reasonable explanation of the workings of the Large Hadron Collider and the nature of its search. Do you:
    1. Comply, taking full account of the likely level of knowledge of your audience. If your audience is Professor Brian Cox, you tone it down a bit, just to be fair.
    2. Comply, but pretend to see someone you need to talk to urgently in another room when your first sentence contains the phrase ‘Large Hadling Corridor’.
    3. Stare for a long, long time at the person who asked you to speak. Eventually, dribble will come out of one or both corners of your mouth. You may break wind.

How Sad

You lack any of the key essential qualities of True British Character. We suggest you order up a tot or two of Lamb's Navy Rum and have a good, long think about what you've done.


You have shown True British Character because you are:

  • Brave
  • Honourable
  • Self-deprecating
  • Creative
  • Humourous
  • Intelligent